My Diary
Life with my Sir is exhilarating and captivating. There are moments when I carelessly invite the innocent little girl within me to embrace every experience and defy societal expectations. Yet, there are also instances when my strong-willed, independent woman side emerges, and it can be challenging for her to surrender fully and choose obedience.
This diary is my outlet to process the myriad feelings that swirl in my heart and head as a naturally submissive woman.
I hope it helps you along your submissive journey, too.
April 18, 2025
My Sir is tough. I'm not sure if he's overly tough or if I'm overly sensitive.
I feel like I've gone through great lengths to meet his needs, but sometimes I struggle with thinking I have done just that.
For example, I want to talk as often as possible. Communication and connection are a huge deal to me. However, I believe he is on the other side of that. He prefers I request permission to call him, only wants to touch base when "big things happen", etc.
Perhaps a slave with no rights or requests is more along the lines of what he seeks. I just believe that if the relationship is only satisfying to him emotionally and physically...is it even a relationship at all? Maybe that is exactly what he wants...a useless, sexual pleasure giver that gets nothing in return.
Admittedly, all of these uncertainties have made me kinda withdraw a bit. As horrid as that sounds. But I think most submissives deal with this at some point. As an animated and full-of-life person, if I have to control my communication or expressions, I tend to simply not share them or hinder them. Over time, it makes me feel sad and odd. So at this point, I'm honestly not sure if My Sir is the right Sir. But I think he's incredible and at times says the most sweet things to me. Only time will tell.
As for as I am concerned before any dynamic there is a relationship and if that relationship isn't solid, the dynamic will also fumble. So time will tell.
On the exciting side - my breast pump has arrived and I'm excited to truly begin my lactating journey! It feels so good to pump and is very arousing to me.
April 9, 2025
We live in a world that promotes and pushes women to be independent. To look after themselves. To self-soothe, prioritize self-care, and demand respect. We live in a world that is often uncomfortable for women like me. It isn't that we do not want all those things, but rather that we desire all those things with the care and protection of a man.
For women like me, men represent safety, consistency, and protection.
For many, many years, I believed that my need and desire to be looked after emotionally, physically, and mentally was a burden. I felt like these requirements I subconsciously placed on my mate were selfish and self-absorbed.
So I learned to do what all women learn to do in the 21st century. I sucked it up. Learned to walk around without armor and tried to find ways to be proactive rather than reactive in my life in every aspect, including finances and relationships. And it sucks.
It sucks for a variety of reasons but the one that sticks out most is that the sex is just not satisfying. As a submissive, I want to give and serve and offer my body to him. But in vanilla, you end up with self-lovers and never getting an orgasm.
But all that's different now for me.
I share my emotions, express my feelings, and...it's making all the difference.
April 7, 2025
I learned something new about my relationship with my Sir last night.
I learned that he chose me and, most importantly, was intent on keeping me for the long haul.
To fully understand this notion, I feel like we have to go allllll the way back to the very beginning of my submission.
All submissives experience a handful of emotions when we realize there is an entire community that can scratch the itch we've felt all our lives. We deal with everything from sub frenzy to sub drop and the madness in between. We also deal with a host of terms and "arrangement" options. One that I was faced with early on was that I (as the submissive) had to choose my Dom, my Sir, my Master. Then once I choose him, all would be perfect, and I could live in a worry-free bubble as he handled it all.
That is not the actual reality of submission. But that's another topic altogether.
What I learned from this crazy choice I had to make was that he also had to choose me. And THAT was the challenge.
I chose a few Doms, and here's how that chaos looked.
One was a Dom who was in some sort of complicated poly relationship, and I had to enter into the arrangement at the bottom. That was a hard no. He really should've led with that instead of wasting my time.
Another was a Dom mentor. He was great until he wasn't, as his other full-time submissive sent me a message to warn that he was fooling around with super young girls and in jail for it (which is why I had not heard from him and he disappeared unexpectedly). I never spoke to him again. We subs gotta stick together, and I'm forever thankful for her.
So as you can see, a pattern emerged. I was willing and able to chose my Dom. But he also had to chose me in the way I needed and desired.
Which brings us back to last night when I had a complete meltdown. I mean tears running down my face, snot clogging my nose, and eyes swollen. After speaking with me and dealing with my little tude around the whole situation, my Sir realizes I'm broken up and dealing with something beyond us.
He stops everything and simply asks, "What's wrong?".
I tell him I'm fine. I'm always fine and I would work on the tasks he had requested prior.
Again, he stops everything and demands to know what is wrong. He explains that this is an unacceptable situation. Me crying. Me being hurt. Him not doing his job to love and cherish me, and how it makes him upset. He explains that something is off and that we have to fix it.
Can you believe that?
Never in all my submissive journey has a Dom ever, and I mean EVER, taken blame for my emotional "outside world" tears.
And in that moment, I fold. I collapse further into my breakdown and tears to share exactly how my day went. I go into a "tattle tale" mode and dump it all on him.
He listens and then provides direction on how we are going to navigate my emotions and situations like this in the future. He builds me up, fixes my mindset, and helps me find the appropriate footing so my little emotions don't take me out the next time. It was quick, thorough, and dignified. It was a beautiful interaction with my Dom that made me want to give him everything that I am, sexually, emotionally, and physically. Pleasing him has a direct correlation to these moments. And I finally understand how profound that is.
And last night was absolutely and undeniably the most romantic and sweet interaction I have had with a man.
And that is why I kept pursuing a D/s relationship, because this feeling is...everything.
April 4, 2025
My BDSM test results for your kinky pleasure:
== Results from bdsmtest.org: ==
100% Rope bunny
100% Submissive
76% Masochist
70% Experimentalist
69% Little
66% Vanilla
62% Primal (Prey)
59% Brat
47% Voyeur
38% Slave
33% Exhibitionist
13% Pet
7% Ageplayer
3% Non-monogamist
0% Daddy/Mommy
0% Rigger
0% Brat tamer
0% Degrader
0% Dominant
0% Degradee
0% Master/Mistress
0% Owner
0% Primal (Hunter)
0% Sadist
0% Switch
May 3, 2020
My BDSM test results for your kinky pleasure five year ago:
== Results from bdsmtest.org: ==
100% Submissive
100% Rope bunny
97% Brat
88% Slave
88% Little
74% Masochist
74% Ageplayer
61% Primal (Prey)
57% Experimentalist
49% Vanilla
42% Pet
30% Degradee
27% Voyeur
19% Exhibitionist
2% Brat tamer
1% Daddy/Mommy
0% Primal (Hunter)
0% Rigger
0% Dominant
0% Degrader
0% Owner
0% Master/Mistress
0% Sadist
0% Non-monogamist
0% Switch
May 3, 2020
My BDSM test results for your kinky pleasure five year ago:
== Results from bdsmtest.org: ==
100% Submissive
100% Rope bunny
97% Brat
88% Slave
88% Little
74% Masochist
74% Ageplayer
61% Primal (Prey)
57% Experimentalist
49% Vanilla
42% Pet
30% Degradee
27% Voyeur
19% Exhibitionist
2% Brat tamer
1% Daddy/Mommy
0% Primal (Hunter)
0% Rigger
0% Dominant
0% Degrader
0% Owner
0% Master/Mistress
0% Sadist
0% Non-monogamist
0% Switch
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