There is something about being naturally submissive that is all consuming, difficult and often an irritating ache in my heart. It’s something I kinda prefer to leave behind and hope to forget, but in time it always eats away at me until I satisfy and hear it’s call for release.
Such is my story. I keep trying with all my might to let it go and leave it alone. Pretend that the lifestyle is non-existent and settle for what vanilla offers. Submission has only ever harmed me, made me sad and demanded things and feelings of me that I felt I no longer had to give.
But once again I find myself firmly in its grasp. Checking CollarSpace for any potential Doms and downloading BDSM apps in hopes to form a virtual connection that could blossom into something real.
Hard truth
As I begin my search and interact with Dom men, I’m forced to become hyper sensitive and on guard because of so many predators ready to pounce. And when I finally do connect with a Dom, I’m utterly and uncontrollably frightened and cautious. How the Dom interacts with this fear is a direct reflection on if he and I will be sustainable.
Is he impatient and demanding upfront or does he let me grow into trusting him and being under his care. Is he honest and transparent? Does he encourage me to ask questions and when I do supply thorough and clear answers?
Navigating new relationships when it comes to being a submissive is a lot like trying to empty a swimming pool with a 5 gallon bucket. It’s overwhelming and a long tedious process – but can certainly be done.
My reality
While I may pout and complain about my submissive journey – it’s the most wonderful and fulfilling part of my life (outside of motherhood). It reminds me of the weather really. Sometimes the sun is shining bright and all is well in the world and others a storm is brewing.
As I work to actively seek a dominant I’m experiencing a mix of emotions and a host of questions. Could it be that he aches to care for me just as much as I ache to be the center of his world? Is my need for trust and protection to demanding and will I ever find someone that is truly up to the challenge?
I have my fair share of battle wounds. Not just from the lifestyle but from life in general. Some wounds were very deep and have left unsightly scars but all in all I feel whole and complete. I think that’s why I’ve decided to start looking for my Dom, because I’m whole and complete and I truly have myself to offer.